Currently Under Construction

I don’t know if these are real, and I don’t really care. These are FUNNY! Enjoy

The comments in blue are side notes made by someone out there along the way. I thought they were funny, so I kept them in.

ina

— Original Message —

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)………… and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow

(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

(Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

(brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

— End of Message —

This is a Google Talk conversation between me and my husband. I’m telling him about a problem I’m having at work dealing with an incompetent individual.

ina: I’ll try to be tactful.
ina: but it’s so hard!!!!
hubby: that’s what she said
ina: (that’s what she said)
hubby:
ina: yeah, saw that one coming a mile away
hubby: that’s what she said!
ina: HAHAHAHA
hubby: that’s what she said

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How does he do it????????

ina

I just saw the preview to the new movie I am Number Four. It was all going well until I got to the name of the movie: I am Number Four.

Immediately a billion jokes at the expense of that name came pouring into my head. My favorite were:

• The sequel would be “I am Number Five”
• This movie could be about the corporate world (more like “I am a number”)
• Alternate title: “I wasn’t even good enough to make it on the top 3″
• Alternative title: “Thank God I’m not Number 2″

I’m sure I could think of a few more, but these were right off the top of my head. Needless to say: what an awful title for a movie!!!!!!

Here’s the trailer, if you’re curious:

ina

I sat with a stranger for lunch today, due to the lack of empty tables at the cafeteria.

We got to talking and she asked me if I was from Brazil (I get that a lot), so I corrected that I was from Venezuela. The rest went something like this:

Lady: you guys have an ocean, right?
ina: actually we have the Caribbean Sea, which is connected to the Atlantic Ocean. Venezuela is at the north tip of South America, across the sea from Florida
Lady: wait… I thought Venezuela was in South America
ina: It is…
Lady: Maybe I’m thinking of Central America
ina: oh yeah, that’s around where Mexico is, Nicaragua, Panama
Lady: No, that’s not it…

Gotta love the lack of geographical reference with which some people roam the Earth.

Happy Thursday, everyone!

ina

I got this as a forward (yes, those are still around). Thought it was funny enough to share

IF A FAT GUY GRABS YOU AND PUTS YOU IN A BAG, DON’T WORRY, I TOLD SANTA I WANTED A GOOD FRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

ina

Wanna see something hilarious?

I have the habit of remote desktoping into my computer at home throughout the day (that way I don’t have to connect to my blog from my work computer for important updates, such as this one).

Today I clicked on the camera icon on my Quick Launch by mistake. I moved to close it right away, thinking the camera might not even work when you’re remotely connected, only to realize that I was wrong! It does still work! So I caught a glimpse of the guest room at home (where I keep my laptop and my blow dryer, obviously, who doesn’t?).

If walls could talk, I’d catch them red handed! I guess this solves that philosophical mystery.

I just thought it was hilarious!

…

Maybe you had to be there.

Hello, Guest Room

ina

I am a big (indirect/emotional) supporter of the arts, so when my friend Kristen said she had re-written the words to the song “All the Single Ladies” to sing about cereal, that’s just something I had to read! It was so funny that I asked her permission, which she very kindly granted, to share it with the world (or… just you, mom).

Here it is. The worldwide premiere of All the Cereal Ladies.

All the Cereal Ladies

Click here for the link to the real song, so you can sing along

All the Cereal Ladies
by Kristen

♫♪ All the cereal ladies (7x) ♫♪

♫♪ Now put your spoons up
Up in the cupboard, I just woke up
I’m thinking ’bout my Boo Berry
You decided to eat, you don’t want Wheaties
Cuz they taste just like eating paste
Do you want Kix or Cookie Crisp
Don’t worry ’bout nutrition
I tried crispix and wheetabix
Ya can’t beat a bowl of trix ♫♪

[Chorus]
♫♪ Cuz if you liked it then you should have put some milk on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put some milk on it
Don’t be sad if you can’t find the prize in it
If you liked it then you shoulda put some milk on it ♫♪

♫♪ whoa oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat (x2) ♫♪

[Chorus]
♫♪ Cuz if you liked it then you should have put some milk on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put some milk on it
Don’t be sad if you can’t find the prize in it
If you liked it then you shoulda put some milk on it ♫♪

♫♪ I got Pops on my lips and some Golden Crisp
Wonder what happened to the 80s themes
Ghostbusters, Mr. T and Smurfs
I really think about these things
I need no granola, did I mention
Don’t worry ’bout nutrition
Cuz Cracklin Oat Bran,
Chex, or Raisin Bran
Can be eaten on another day ♫♪

[Chorus]
♫♪ Cuz if you liked it then you should have put some milk on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put some milk on it
Don’t be sad if you can’t find the prize in it
If you liked it then you shoulda put some milk on it ♫♪

♫♪ whoa oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat (x2) ♫♪

♫♪ Don’t treat me to omlettes and bagels
I’m not that kind of girl
Cap’n Crunch is what I prefer, what I deserve
Is Flutie Flakes for me, Frosted Flakes in me
And delivers me bowls of Cheerios, I want Cheerios from the box
Put it in my stomach
And make them Honey Nut
If you don’t, I’ll eat Honeycomb
Or whatever I’ve got at home ♫♪

♫♪ All the cereal ladies (7x) ♫♪

♫♪ Now put your spoons up
whoa oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat (x2) ♫♪

[Chorus]
♫♪ Cuz if you liked it then you should have put some milk on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put some milk on it
Don’t be sad if you can’t find the prize in it
If you liked it then you shoulda put some milk on it ♫♪

♫♪ whoa oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat oat (x2) ♫♪

ina

I used to think that a “mess” was a pretty universal concept understood as things placed in a disorderly fashion. What I didn’t realize was the gradient involved in what constitutes a mess for one person versus another… until I visited my mother.

I’d like to challenge your “mess” savvy. Take a look at these two pictures. I want you to guess which one made my mother scream out “You are messing up my whole house!”

Good luck

Possible Mess #1

Possible Mess #2

ina

Sometimes Enrique Montoya, my coworker, comes up with the funniest stuff.

This morning I got an instant message from one of our higher ups. The message said:

B.K.: ho
B.K.: hi
ina: hi B.K.

Two hours later, that was all there was in the chat window. Still nothing. Not wanting to pry about what he wanted, I left it alone.

Fully understanding that the “ho” was a simple “hi” typo, but not being able to let it go (which speaks to my maturity levels), I just decided to turn around and joke with Enrique. This is how it went:

ina: B.K. sent me an instant message at 8:41am. He said “ho” then said “hi”. I responded with “hi B.K.” and then he didn’t write again. Was he really just feeling the urge to call me a ho and say hi?
Enrique Montoya: You should message him back and write: “Pimp” and then “hi”
ina: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enrique Montoya: Ho’s up, pimps down
ina: that would be appropriate workplace behavior… what did you call it?… a CLM? ( = Career Limiting Move) lol!
Enrique Montoya: yes, grasshoppa, you learn fast

Sometimes he really cracks me up

ina

I can’t wait to finish school! So much so that I drew the weeks left to finish my MBA on my work white board so I can strike them out as they pass.

It"s the Final Count Down!

Oh, and those are my coworkers and me doing a little dance of joy at the end

ina

This was funny, and Brian actually asked me to blog it. Who am I to say no to that?

ina: You won’t believe the day I had. So busy. I’m so hungry.
hubby: Did you have lunch?
ina: Oh you won’t believe my crazy lunch story if I told you!
hubby: Why? What happened?
ina: So I got to work at 8:03am…
hubby: Wait wait wait. Lunch starts at noon! Why don’t you start at noon! What an elaborate ploy to tell me about your full day!

Hahahahahaha! Ohh, it was so funny.

ina

This is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. Brian found this way on top of the master bedroom’s closet. It belonged to the previous owners. The parents must have hid it and told the kids they sent it to the North Pole. How cute is this???

Dear Santa, Thank you for the gifts last year. Love, The X family

ina

I’m a pretty organized person. When I have meetings, I save the meeting notes into their particular folder for that project in a folder called “Minutes & Notes.” However, sometimes I create lists of things to do on a Notepad, and when the end of the day comes, I need to save it SOMEWHERE where I’ll remember to open it and take it up the next day. Well, that last part never happens, but I do save it somewhere. That’s my desktop.

Many times, though, the name “TO DO.txt” is already taken by another file, so I have to come up with better names, like “OPEN THIS NOW” or “YOU NEED TO DO THIS.” Sometimes I’m just running late for my train and I don’t have time to come up with a creative name for every single one of my notes before I shut down my computer. Therefore, things like these happen

I need a better naming convention

Thought that was a funny one. Enjoy your desk jobs today.

ina

You should know that Brian is an excessively good tipper. Whenever we go to a restaurant, he asks me how much to leave for tip (which I do quickly in my head by moving the comma two spaces and multiplying by 2), and then proceeds to add a full dollar or two to whatever amount I tell him. Sometimes this results in disproportionately large tips.

We were out having dinner at Chili’s and he liked how we were served. Uh Oh. SO he decided to leave a 30% tip. I fought it, by God, I really did, but to no avail.

After dinner and a movie, we stopped by the Friendly’s on Route 1 for some ice cream. Our waiter, Eric, was a superstar. He was hilarious, and made us laugh more than once. I even saw how he was charming up a group of old ladies a couple of tables away. He was awesome! So…

ina: he’s a charmer! We should leave him a big tip.
hubby: (imitating me) "Ooh, he deserves 21%! Let’s go crazy"
ina: you gave 30% to that other woman, who wasn’t even that good! So he deserves that!
hubby: the check was $8.00! (imitating me again) "Ooh, let’s give him $2.50!"

I burst out a laugh so loud and so sudden that I startled the old ladies, who turned to look at me. Then I accidentally knocked over my glass of ice water, and the waiter looked up. I signaled him that I had it under control, still laughing at Brian’s clever come-back, and proceeded to pick up my mess.

I left him a 100% tip. We had the best time we’ve ever had at a Friendly’s. If that’s not worth $8 of entertainment, I don’t know what is.

Here’s me asking you to reward your waiters, especially if you had a better-than-average time

ina

Brian was on a roll today. He was making me laugh so hard, that I started to feel like we don’t spend enough time together!

We were being lazy bums this morning, liying on the couch watching the curling olympics and just trying to figure out the rules of the game. Then a question came to mind that I seriously did not know the answer to:

ina: hunny, you know the olympic torch? You know, for the inauguration of the games? Where do they bring it from?
hubby: I don’t know… Greece?
ina: Really? Every time? Wouldn’t it make more sense to bring it from the previous host city?
hubby: I really don’t know the answer to that..
ina: come on, hunny, give me something. Just make it up.
hubby: They bring it from America.

I laughed so hard. He definitely made my morning

ina

There is a phrase my mother is very fond of saying: "Yo conozco mi ganado" which literally means "I know my cattle." It’s something she says when she speculates about what we, her daughters, are going to do or how we’ll react to a situation.

I have been trying to use that phrase with Brian because it always comes to mind, but he doesn’t speak Spanish, so it just sounds like a weird thing to say, and he just doesn’t get it.

Last night:

Brian: I’m too tired, I’ll do the dishes tomorrow morning
ina: No you won’t! I know my cattle!

(a few minutes later)

Brian: did you set up my alarm?
ina: oh no, sorry, you asked me to? I totally forgot.
Brian: yeah, I knew you would. I know my cow.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! I don’t know how he does it.

ina

When I went to school last night I never imagined that a little fella would be waiting for me at the library.

(click to enlarge)

What is a Milk Dud doing in the library? It’s like it knew I was coming and it wanted to say hi

My mother is fond of saying that beautiful days are a postcard from God, to show you how much He loves you and to remind you that the wonderful world He made for you is for you to enjoy and appreciate. Well, I think God was trying to cheer me up with this little postcard

ina

For the most part I’ve been keeping this blog private. I know it’s “public” in that everyone can access it, but I have never pushed the link onto anyone I know. I don’t hide the fact that I have a blog, but I don’t want to make them feel obligated to visit, and I prefer it that way. I got my loyal readership, and nobody to please but myself

Since I’ve been talking about my blog with my sister, I decided to give her the link. After all, she is always asking me what’s up, and I have the strong feeling that she would become a loyal reader out of pure joy of reading about what is going on on my mind. I thought it would be OK to do that, after all, I haven’t said anything about her, so she shouldn’t find any offense in these writings… right?

Wrong! She was offended that she WASN’T in it! LOL! So, here it is. A blog dedicated to my older sister: Monica Geller.

Hope she enjoys her given name I’m sure she’ll get it

Have a good day, Mon!

ina

PS: And to break the ambiguity, I have another sister who is 1 year younger than I am. We’ll name her Tina Fey (because she looks like her), and she’s the one that will be graduating in May and going back to our home country.

Sometimes we don’t realize how similar we really are.

Check out the winner of the Nikon Festival: http://www.nikonfestival.com/blog/2009/12/15/chicken-vs-penguin/

ina

I added a “Who’s Who” page so you guys can keep track of all the fake names that are so abundant on this blog.

I didn’t change the names of people whose blogs I read if they have not changed their names themselves.

I haven’t mentioned it on the blog yet, but I’ve decided to name my husband Brian… just because I think he looks more like a Brian than he does his real name

I’ve also decided to use funny names, so we can have some fun here I’m particularly proud of my neighbors’ names: Fred and Ethel I hope to have more funny names appear here

Enjoy!

ina

My husband was scrolling through the on-demand movies on Verizon FIOS. I suggested a couple movies, but he wouldn’t take any of them. So he suggested:

hubby: "Up"? "Up" is supposed to be good.

(I knew about the movie, and I do want to watch it at some point, just not right now. I didn’t respond at all)

hubby: (insisting) "Up"? "Up"? "Up"?

ina: (taking a golden opportunity) What’s up?

hubby: "What’s ‘Up’?"? (confused that I might have not heard about the movie before, but then…)………… Wait, are you being funny?

We both LAUGHED SO HARD. Ohh, I even shed a tear.

I guess you had to be there

Merry Christmas!

ina

So I had my first teaching experience at the high school level (read about the experience here).

I did want to tell you about something funny that happened there. For about 35 minutes I had Hall Duty… which is really Bathroom Duty. It consists of sitting at a desk in front of the bathrooms asking kids if they have a pass. Kids try to go into the bathroom without stopping by me, but I always stopped them and asked them to show me their pass.

Everything was going fine. I was cutting up some color paper for an idea I had for a class, and just asked kids for their passes. The passes were just pieces of paper with something written on them… at least in the beginning.

At one point, one kid was going in and I asked him for his pass. He looked at me like “oh, I don’t have one…” and I asked him which room he came from. He said he didn’t know. Then he took a protractor out of his pocket and showed it to me, he said “here, this is what they gave me, this is my pass.” I looked at it incredulous, and looked back at him. He looked smug, like he was putting one past me (I was clearly new around here). I thought “what do I look like to you, stupid?” So I wrote down his name, and he went in the bathroom.

What to do? Nobody ever told me what to do if a kid didn’t have a pass! So I ran to the office (100 ft away) and told the Vice Principal about the situation. He said he’d take care of it, and I went back to my desk duty.

After about 10 minutes, the VP comes by and he asks if the student is still in the bathroom. I said No. He said “oh, I heard he got a protractor pass?” I was a bit stunned “yeah, he showed me a protractor.” The VP said that was in fact his pass: sometimes teachers have a pass that is related to their subject matter so that it’s clear what class the student is coming from. I told him I thought he was messing with me, but now I knew, and thanks for the follow-up.

A little while later, another student showed up and I asked him for his pass. He showed me a bottle of hand sanitizer — “Oh, that must be Health class,” I thought (LOL!). Another student showed me a paper-made megaphone; that must be debate class? The passes got more and more ridiculous! I was cracking up by the end of Bathroom Duty

ina

(This entry is directly related to the entry called Review of Lunch at Lakeside Grille at Ramsey Golf & Country Club)

ina: I am pissed [about the service]. I’m so reviewing this place on my blog.

hubby: I’m going to have to start a new blog of my own called “Apologies for my Wife”: “Sorry guys, she didn’t really mean it…”

ina: HAHAHAHAHAHA

How does he make me laugh so much? He just cracks me up.

ina

I was watching Mr Holland’s Opus, when my husband walked in during the funeral scene of Louis, the football/drums player. He noticed that Mr. Holland was not standing next to his wife. Not having seen the movie in several years, he asked:

hubby: Did they separate? Did she divorce him, Opus?

ina: No, no, they’re just not standing together…

wait … a … minute…

ina: … you do know that “Opus” means “song” or “hymn” or something like that, right?

hubby nods in confusion… “why is she asking me this?”

hubby: Yeah… why?… what did I say?…

ina: You just called him Opus.

hubby: I did??? LOL!!!!!!

We both laughed hysterically. Oh, these are the moments.

ina

ina: I hate the Droid. If you had to choose between the Droid and me, I know you would pick the phone.

hubby: That’s a tough choice… I guess I could cuddle with the phone, and it would be great.

ina: But can you really *sleep* with your phone?

hubby: There’s an app for that

ina: LOL!!!

I always thought that “Some College” in those surveys, where they ask you “Highest Level of Education Reached,” meant something like “not any special kind of college, just a whatever college” when it apparently means “a few semesters” or something.

LOL! I’m such an idiot.

ina

I heard something funny on NPR (National Public Radio – WBUR 90.9 FM Boston) this morning: Burger King franchise owners are suing Corporate for making them push the promotion "double cheeseburger for $1" when in fact it costs them $1.10 to make them.

Here’s the funny part, and I quote: "So they have to eat up 10 cents in losses. And that don’t taste too good. They’d rather have it their way. So they’re suing."

LOL. I just thought that was a GREAT closing line. You could tell the announcer was smiling when he said those words

Find any interview or news story on the NPR archives at http://npr.org

ina

As I walked out of class, I passed by the college bus stop and saw a young guy (a student, for sure) in sand-color camouflage military uniform. I walked right up to him, and this is how it went:

ina (pointing at the guy): Today is Veteran’s day!
Soldier (smiling, looking down all the way up from 5’11" off the ground): Yes, it is.
ina: So I get to congratulate you?
Soldier: Yeah, I guess so
ina: Where are you going, do you need a ride?
Soldier: Oh, no, just waiting for the bus, it’ll come any second
ina: Come on, it’s Veterans Day! I’ll give you a ride!
Soldier: No, seriously, I haven’t gone to war yet! I appreciate it, though
ina: Are you sure? My car is right there!
Soldier: Really, I’m fine
ina: Alright, have a goood night!
Soldier: You, too!

And that was my attempt at saluting the troops: attempting to kidnap a soldier against his will

A warm salute to the troops!

ina

To say that my husband is an erudite tech is an understatement. He is a lurker (yes, there is a name for what he is) in all of the technology forums. He just knows everything that is going on in the tech industry. He would be able to tell you on any given day whether the Comcast network was down in a certain town in a certain state. He’s just like that.

Well, just like all other tech junkies out there, he has been waiting for the new Motorola Droid to come out forever. I swear the thing turns him on more than I do. He finally got it on Monday (he ordered it on Friday but had it shipped to his office address so that he could actually get other stuff done over the weekend). Well, the darn thing has a GPS that is the latest thing (see a demo of it here), and I’m just jealous of the attention he has been giving a stupid device, so there is a certain level of animosity between me and the Droid. Yesterday I must have said “I hate the Droid” a billion times, and kept telling him to shut the thing up while I drove.

I got home from work before my husband did today. He called me and asked me if I’d like to go to Home Depot with him to buy some stuff. I said sure, and then heard the GPS’s voice in the background. I yelled out “IS THAT YOUR GPS???” to which he responded quickly and nervously “NO!….. IT’S MY GIRLFRIEND!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Oh, man, never a dull moment with this one.

ina