Currently Under Construction

I had an awesome week. I spent pretty much 100% of my time focusing on basement renovations. I interviewed 5 contractors, 5 HVAC specialists and 5 electricians, and also attended my town’s building inspector’s office hours. I feel like an expert in what needs to be done in my basement now.

I wish I could have spent some more time with my reading or maybe even working out more, but I am very comfortable with how my time was spent. I was so productive that I can’t even imagine how on Earth I would have gotten all of that done had I not taken this week off. It was perfect and boosted my mood and energy level.

Today, I’ll get things cleaned up around here in preparation for my mother’s 2 week visit, and I’ll plan our meals for the week. But first, I’ll take a run around the block to burn off some of the calories I had for breakfast (originating from a triple chocolate chip muffin – yikes).

Here’s wishing you a great end to a fabulous weekend!

ina

There have been times in my life when I have felt like a failure. Times when I know I could have done better, but for some reason decided it wasn’t worth the struggle. Times when I just quit.

Failure tastes like ass. It makes me feel devalued, lazy, and, in some cases, even insensitive. At the same time, when I look back at my decisions, there are very few that I would change. Sometimes quitting is all you have in order to move forward in life.

In terms of jobs, I just quit mine (last day is tomorrow), but after investing 8 years on my career at that company, I can’t think of this new stage in my life as anything other than a huge triumph. I have finally proved to myself that I can take risks and I will be able to stop wondering “what if.” This “quit” was all about one thing: turning down complacency. I must admit the feeling of failure in this case is quite minimal.

In terms of hobbies, I quit mine all the time. I just can’t excuse sticking to something I no longer enjoy just for the sake of not quitting. At the same time, it makes me wonder whether I’m really that much of a flake. The feeling of failure is “Medium” in these cases.

In terms of friendships, you have an added element in the mix: someone else’s feelings. Do I regret quitting on certain toxic friendships? No… Usually it all works out for the best anyway, and whatever is meant to be is meant to be. However, the urgency to “break up” is usually unilateral, which makes me feel like crap for choosing to be selfish and guarding my own feelings over the other person’s. This situation gets a HIGH/HOT/Five rotten tomatoes rating for feeling like a failure. After all, if I can’t even keep my own friends from hating me, then what does that say about me?

Quitting… Such a simple word; so many different ways to feel about it.

ina

I terminated a friendship yesterday. Actually, it was more like I was terminated from the friendship, but I didn’t fight it like I had done in the past. It wasn’t pretty, and it certainly didn’t make me feel good, but in the light of day, I understand it was for the best for the both of us. At least for now.

I have been struggling lately trying to figure out why certain things bother me more than they bother other people. Or why I have trouble letting things go, and end up holding onto a lot of grudges. Right now I’m working on the fact that, although many things bother me, I never really say anything out loud (except to my husband). So I recently got it in my head that my feelings are just as important as everybody else’s. Seems harmless and logical, right? So if I feel uncomfortable about something, I should not ignore it and pretend that everything is OK. Well, I certainly chose a golden time/situation/place to practice this new belief, huh?

The friendship was already heavy with tons of baggage, product of both parties’ propensity to over analyze our own feelings. Unfortunately for us, intimacy cannot be forced. You can’t just be 100% raw and open with somebody and expect a friendship to bloom. I think that’s what happened here: too many intimate details weighing heavily on a weak foundation. She thought I was too self-centered (because I kept bringing up my feelings) and that I wasn’t listening to her, and I thought she didn’t want to hear what my feelings were about anything (so she was the one not listening). Well, what can I say, the floor just collapsed.

I just hope I learned something from this. I hope this helps me get one step closer to being myself and still have friendships that grow naturally and organically. Stop over-thinking everything. Stop rushing everything. Stop wanting to figure out every little feeling I feel. Stop holding onto things. Just let go and be happy. Smile more. Appreciate the friendships I DO have, and love my friends for making me smile and giving me great times. Stop the drama and just smell the roses every once in a while. Learn to listen. Learn it’s OK to just listen first, and talk later, without feeling fake. Don’t take my loving husband for granted. Sing more. Love life. Love others. Love myself. Be light. Be present. Be happy.

I got all I need to be happy. It’s time to start BEING it.

ina