Currently Under Construction

It shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone to hear that I have had a pretty rough couple of weeks. I changed careers in my mind 3 times, and slowly swirled into a depression that reached rock bottom yesterday. Now, I don’t want you to worry about me, depression happens some times, and it’s the way my brain likes to “reset” itself. I always come out of it. What’s interesting to see is what idea I got in my head this time to snap out of it.

Last night I had two very meaningful conversations. One with a good friend, whom I call Alicia Keys on this blog, and one with my husband, Brian. Alicia was extremely supportive and lent me a good ear when I needed it most. I explained to her that it has been really hard for me to find the right balance in my life. When I’m too busy and unhappy I tend to keep my calendar clear. Since I have been feeling that way for a few months, I have pretty much alienated my own friends and stopped making plans, all for the sake of keeping a free schedule. And when the day comes when I have absolutely nothing to do, like yesterday, I crash into loneliness and hopelessness. Some people may find it relaxing to have nothing to do, but I find it more rewarding to plan my time and spend time with friends… that’s one thing I finally learned about myself yesterday.

Then there was the conversation with Brian. I told him I was scared shitless of wasting my time. Of just “finding things to do to pass the time” <– what a useless life I'd lead that way. He thinks I should stop thinking of a grand goal, and just start doing things I enjoy doing. Stop trying to think of something to do that will become my calling in life, and just start enjoying the little things. He suggested a bunch of things to do, like teaching Spanish to adults, or volunteering at the TV station, or learning to play an instrument. That conversation, combined with the one I had with Alicia's, was instrumental in getting me out of the dog house.

This morning I woke up at 9am, and went to the gym. I took a power yoga class from 9:45 to 11am. Then went to a family picnic for father's day, and came home eager to PLAN my week.

I also went on eBay and bid on a 49-key basic (children's) keyboard just 10 min before the auction was over. Plus shipping, it cost $25 in total. Now that I have an instrument to practice at home, I went ahead and signed up for piano classes at an academy nearby. Wouldn't that be fun? That's the point: it's FUN. No goal, no grander plan, just do something that I would look forward to every week. Wouldn't that be a nice change?

So that's the latest update… no more free schedule — I have to find a balance between relaxation, socializing, fun and work… and I can't do it while avoiding the world.

My head really goes a million miles a minute, doesn't it? Trust me, it's harder to live it than to read about it. It's crazy in here.

ina

Something’s bothering me, but I know it doesn’t bother everyone, and I wish I were one of those people. They are happy people.

We all know about my infatuation with Taylor Swift. If you’ve read my past entry about Girl Crushes, you’d understand that there are certain women whom I admire. I want to be near them, I want to talk to them, I want their happiness to rub off on me.

Warning: The next 3 paragraphs are the background of how I got to this point and it’s kinda boring… you can skip to “So what bothers me about this?” to not waste precious seconds of your life.

Yesterday Taylor hosted a Meet & Greet for what ended up being 14.5 hours of just meeting, hugging, kissing fans and taking pictures with them (in Nashville, TN, for Country Fest — which I did not attend). It was broadcasted live on the web, so I logged on a couple of times throughout the day to see how she was doing. She’s just so genuinely appreciative of her fans, and she has an amazing self-awareness, uncharacteristic of a typical 20 year old, that makes her see that she’s a huge influence in young girls (plus me). She knows she’s being watched and people hang onto her every word, so she always makes sure to be positive, encouraging, and self-esteem raising. She’s what I think a real-life Barbie doll would be: considerate, ethical and just sweet.

After the broadcast, it gave you a “suggested” video, which was a 1-hour webchat with Taylor at her house. She read questions and answered them from her personal Mac webcam. That was in 2008.

Then last night I had a dream about her. There was a Taylor Swift camp, and all the girls were there to meet Taylor and spend time with her. I remember waking up and thinking that I had to go back and do something… I don’t remember what it was… I was writing a book? making a scrapbook? I don’t remember, but I needed to go back and finish it! It was so real.

So what bothers me about this? I lied in bed last night for about 20 min thinking about what it is that I love about Taylor so much and why do I find being star-struck so frustrating at the same time. I know that I love that she is doing something she loves to do and that she’s really good at. That’s why this is not just a celebrity crush, I also have this kind of infatuation for others that love what they do and do it well despite adversity, like my sister-in-law, who is yet to be christianed with a new name on this blog. She’s a teacher, and she knew she wanted to do this all her life. She puts up with the downs because this is IT for her. I guess I wish I were so sure about my life path as Taylor and sis-in-law are.

I was trying to think what would be the end result of my soul search. How would it feel? I couldn’t come up with anything. I just can’t see myself being perfectly content with just one thing. I am always thinking, jumpy, nervous, hating everything, wishing I were somewhere else. I could not picture a single scenario where I was happy and content and static. For some reason that’s how I define happiness: do something you like, do it well, live worry-free for the rest of your life. Even in my dreams I can’t accomplish that.

I am also nervous because I have been thinking about teaching versus working at my husband’s company, and my husband’s company is winning. I couldn’t have foreseen feeling like this in a million years. I guess the money issue is really a big one, especially right now. If I could make some money and save up, maybe I would be ready for a career in teaching. I really need to take a good look at my finances at some point.

So, I didn’t have any real conclusion. Apparently I am doomed to wandering in anxiety for the rest of eternity. What a life…

ina