I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed and I want to be done feeling sorry for myself. It’s time to write a cleansing blog post to get the ideas in order in my head.
Warning: despite the relative shortness of this post, it will be a BORING one. So you might want to spare yourself and use this time to google something that’s been on your mind instead, like “best quick chicken recipe” or “how can I donate to NPR when there are no fund drives going on” or “why does everybody hate LeBron James?” – I assure you these searches would be a much wiser use of your time.
The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, so here it goes: Houston, I have a problem. My problem is that I don’t know what my problem is, so I continue to put my finger on the wrong single possible causes. I know it’s not just one thing, and it’s definitely not a single SIMPLE thing.
The second step is to make a list of the clutter in my head. Perhaps this list hides within it the key to my current state. The first person to accurately spot that one gem will get a big prize! (In the form of a “screw you! You don’t even know me! What’s on YOUR list??” Yeah, I know, kinda hostile… sigh… I’m sorry dude or dudette… if you’ve read this far it means you might actually care about this, so I should have saved the insults for the assholes that stopped reading at the warning to google “how do I know when I’m not being a caring person?”). So here’s the list:
- I am bored at work
- I want to make time to learn industry software programming languages
- I want to keep writing my story
- I am currently feeling rejected by someone I know. This one actually takes a lot more of my brain CPU than I care to admit.
- I can’t seem to stop eating desserts
- I just took a long vacation but still don’t feel rested (as an aside, I should plan a vacation where the only items on the itinerary are to clean the house and take Baby G out for play dates)
- Every weekend through August has been booked, including two away trips
- I am bored at work
- I am hungry all the time and want to snack all the time
- My sleep schedule is all out of whack
- I’m conflicted about continuing to breastfeed due to the time and interruption involved in pumping multiple times throughout the day, despite its irreplaceable benefits to Baby G
- I have ideas for summer projects but I’m not actively pursuing any of them
- When I get home all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch TV until I fall asleep in my work clothes and make-up and unbrushed teeth, like a bum (thanks to my hubby for rescuing me and making me get ready for bed every time)
- I want chocolate. Yes, right now.
- I like my new haircut, but my mood prevents me from truly enjoying it (I think we got a winner!)
(Pause to get off at Back Bay station, home of the 2 Dunkin Donuts, to buy a coffee cake muffin with which I proceeded to stuff my face while enduring judgmental looks from some skinny b*tch across the aisle. What do you know about my pain, lady??? — ok, I can definitely hear the hostility now)
- I have the feeling I should be looking for a new job or at least looking for more website jobs, but I’m too downtrotten to do it
- Part of me is stressed out over talking to my boss about my job. Truth is that I feel she doesn’t give me challenging assignments because she doesn’t think I can do them. How to phrase that in a non-confrontational way escapes the range of my diplomatic abilities.
- I’m bothered about the fact that I don’t have Carrie Underwood’s voice (ok, this one just might actually take the cake)
- I haven’t confessed or been to church in so long that I don’t think they’ll let me back in #CatholicNoFlyList
- Time appears to continue rolling by without making any stops for me to figure stuff out (is that happening to everyone out there too, or is it just me?)
I’m sure I’m just scratching the surface here… I’m too close to the project to even recognize any themes. English majors wanted for analysis.
Next step: create a schedule that includes time to veg, time to write, time to do web stuff and time to learn something new. Mmm… that’s too much.
Take two: designate certain weeks for certain activities. This week will be web week (finish pending jobs and documentation). Next week can be writing week. The following week can be something else week. Ay, just thinking about it is giving me an ulcer. I just want to rest, man. Just rest.
Take three: REST is the word. Give myself permission to leave my mini laptop at home and just do nothing. Rest my mind. For… two weeks? Ok! So July will be the month to get stuff done! I will give myself permission to just make dinner and hang out with Baby G and clean up for the rest of the month!
Believe it or not, that plan still gives me an ulcer. It doesn’t address ANY of my worries!
Time for a break. We’ll try again next time.
I hate to start blogging again on such a down note, but I guess that’s what makes me want to write in the first place… so you’ll just have to deal with it, I guess.
I just met with a financial planner. Let me first start by saying that HE sought ME out through LinkedIn and set up the meeting with ME. My husband and I got our stuff together when it comes to finances, so I didn’t think I needed any advice. I mostly agreed because he sounded nice on the phone, and because last time I met with a financial adviser I ended up tracking my income/expenses which started the whole financial-savvy that I enjoy today. So nothing bad could really come out of this. Right? Wrong.
We talked about a few things, where he said we’d be working to meet my goals. Then he asked me to rank my priorities from most important to least important to me. I started from the bottom (the ones that I care the least about) and worked my way up. He asked me why I didn’t care so much about death provisions or long term disability provisions. I told him because the risk was low, and because if one of us were to go away, the other would certainly be able to figure out how to live within their means. He looked at me skeptically, so I asked him what that look was for. He said that it is not true that we would be “alright” if one of us went away. I asked him why he thought that, and he said that a single parent on a single person’s salary would not be able to afford the house we have, and would certainly not be able to save for college as well as for retirement. I told him I disagreed: if we had to, we could certainly live below our means, move to a smaller house, keep saving for retirement, and continue to have my father save up for our son’s college. It’s a matter of knowing how to live within your means. He said that I had no idea what I was talking about. I started to get defensive.
He said that what he was hearing from me was that if I were not around anymore, I would not mind my husband and son living in a shack somewhere with no electricity or running water. To which I responded: “nah… they can have electricity.” I was kind of joking. Then he asked about the life insurance, and I again told him that we get it from work, and it’s not our main priority. At this point I’m starting to wonder why he’s focusing on the things I care least about, and not the things I care most about. I mean, I thought we were supposed to align our plan with our goals…
So he said that unless we understood that we needed a $1MM life insurance policy on each other, he didn’t think we would be a good fit to work together.
Um… come again?
He said that health was THE foundation to financial planning, and if we didn’t see that, then there was no point in continuing the discussion. He said it nicer, but I knew what he meant.
I told him: “So I’m basically going to go home to my husband and tell him that I scared you off” — to which he made a face that translated into “yeah, basically.”
So he said we should have a conversation on the phone with Brian and see where to go from here. I was so crestfallen at that point that I looked like I had just been broken up with. Really. It was heartbreaking.
He shook my hand and said goodbye, but he stayed sitting and took out his smartphone. So I stood up… and left…
It was the saddest scene you’ve ever seen.
So… do I need a $1MM life insurance? I don’t think so… I feel like it’s a morbid way to reassure your future, and it is unnecessary. It’s like you are placing a big bet on your significant other kicking the bucket. I do NOT want to benefit from something as horrible as that. I can’t even imagine. It’s just too morbid it doesn’t feel right.
There is a reason why the entire world looked down upon banks who hedged their portfolios by creating products that would succeed if the housing market fell. If you look at it objectively, it is a solid business call. But if you really look at it, the bank is benefiting from the loss that affected millions of people! That’s how life insurance feels to me. I have a basic life insurance that would help my husband navigate the awfulness of the situation and be able to support his lifestyle until he can figure things out. But $1MM? I’m sorry, but that is excessive, unnecessary, and a jinx.
This post is actually making me feel better. Maybe I don’t want to work with that guy after all. Set up a meeting with him or not? I guess I don’t care much for it. They are hound dogs, those financial people, aren’t they? Pff. Keep your judgment for someone who needs it, buddy.
I have 20 days to lose 4 pounds. At a normal (for me) rate of weight loss of 1lb a week this seems like a doable task.
Considering that I tend to approach a nice skinny weight when I eat healthy, and that it takes daily doses of chocolate to maintain my weight, shedding pounds should be easier than it sounds. The trick is discipline and will power: if I stay away from chocolate AND add exercise to my week, I *will* lose weight. Can this seemingly impossible feat be done?
Let’s examine the evidence. This was my first week sticking to these rules. How did I do?
Exercise: power walked/jogged 1.2 miles in the morning, plus .7 miles in the evening. Every day except for Thursday: I was running late and couldn’t do the evening leg.
Breakfast: fruit, oatmeal, toast, and/or corn bread, in some combination every morning.
Lunch: turkey/cheese sandwhich on multi grain bread, or pasta with meat sauce. Except for the day I had Bertucci’s for a work lunch.
Dinner: toast, banana, with a small side of homemade Mac&cheese, or pesto tortellini.
No chocolate anywhere!!!!! We should be on our way
We still got the weekend to go. Sigh. We’ll see what happens.
The past few weeks have been a mixture of joyful moments (birthday, mother’s day) and low ones marked by a self-inflicted prolonged mini-depression. Self-inflicted in the fact that I *know* very well that eating excessive amounts of chocolate, muffins, donuts, coupled with an utter absence of exercise make my mood go all out of whack. As an update, I started exercising on Monday and eating small meals with snacks in between ONLY if I’m hungry. It has not helped my mood yet, but I’m optimistic I’ll feel better by the weekend.
As the title of this post indicates, I have TONS to say, but only a little of that I am willing or able to share. Mostly because it’s not all very interesting… but who am I to say what’s interesting to you or not? So here’s my brain dump. I’d be happy to elaborate on any topic upon request (of which I know I’ll get none). Heeeeere we go:
- The Hunger Games is not as obsession-inviting a book as Twilight is
- That woman who wrote the essay about other women hating her for being beautiful is getting all sorts of criticism MOSTLY geared at defining whether she is in fact beautiful or not. I think everyone is missing the point there. The point is that this is that woman’s experience, which is shared by other women. Nobody had ever told it from that point of view before and that is what makes it interesting. But what’s even more interesting is the world’s reaction to a woman speaking openly about her experiences as an attractive person. Whether you think she’s actually pretty or not is 100% irrelevant.
- Lisa Lampanelli is a world class bully. Dayana Mendoza is smart, brave and extremely confident. Had she not been, Lisa would have torn her spirit to shreds, but Dayana is kind and above Lisa’s level by far.
- Lena Dunham is my new girl crush, occupying the spot previously held by Tina Fey, who had debunked 3-year reigning queen Taylor Swift earlier this year.
- I only like my job when I’m programming or learning new technical skills. “Vuelve el perro arrepentido… con su mirada tan tierna… con el ocico partido… y el rabo entre las piernas.” -El Chavo
- My baby G is the most beautiful, easy-going, pleasant baby in the whole world. I love him more than anything.
- I’ve overbooked myself for the past several weeks. Need to take a sanity break.
- I wish my husband and I got to spend more time together.
- I am looking forward to taking a beach vacation in 3 weeks
- I still marvel at the beauty of the city of Boston and can’t believe I get to live here and see it every day.
- I love cool, honest people and I am not afraid to ask them out to dinner when I meet them. I’ve scored at 50% success rate with this (read as: 50% of the people I ask out end up sticking around and accepting more invitations to hang out)
- No more 3D movies for me. The glasses are so annoying.
- On that note, I went to see Titanic in the theater and I was as awestruck as the first time. Reminded me why theaters are so much better at making you feel you’re IN the movie, compared to watching at home with the lights on and your computer on your lap.
- I want Baby G to have a sibling to play with. But I’m not ready yet. I keep telling myself that is ok but I feel a lot of pressure to feel differently.
- I am happy that hubby has decided to go to bed early and wake up early. We had breakfast together today I made him bacon
- I think President Obama did an outstanding job with what he had. Congress party rivalries are no picnic.
- I’m on the lookout for novels that have the potential to inspire me to get off my bum and do great things. I take suggestions. No scifi please.
- I have been thinking about how I can use my skills to improve operations at work, and it is killing me that I don’t have the courage to speak up.
- Go Clay Aiken! (Celebrity Apprentice)
That’s all for now… Have a great “Viernes chiquito”!
As I sit on the train on my way to work this Monday morning, I can’t help but feel a certain level of anxiety about my birthday. Today I turn 31 years old.
The source of my apprehension does not come from the usual place of uncertainty towards my future, regrets about my past, or concerns about the dwindling amount of time and consequent reduction of options ahead of me. My anxiety stems from the fact that, unlike all the other 364 days of the year (365 on leap years), today I will be given attention that I did not seek out, request, or even earned.
Admittedly, I spend a considerable amount of time dwelling about how little time my heart believes my family and friends spend thinking of me. This is an unhealthy way to live, to say the least, but it comes from childhood experiences that time cannot erase. In this situation, awareness is my friend: I know I am an insecure person. I just hope I am getting better and better every day at focusing my energies inward as opposed to seeking approval from external sources. I can only hope.
So what does this have to do with my birthday? In one sentence, I can summarize my feelings as: I got their attention… and I still don’t feel complete. In more than one sentence: I spend my whole year trying to impress, and once a year I get a bit of what I think I want, and it turns out that it is not what I need at all. The love is genuine, but my heart doesn’t soak it in. My broken heart continues to believe it does not deserve it.
As I was writing that very sad thought on my blackberry as I walked out of the train, a large man bumped me on purpose, hitting me hard on my chest with his shoulder. When I turned to look at him, he just kept saying “don’t text while walking!” Well, happy birthday to me.
Looks like my last post was when I had my baby 4 months ago… Tons has happened since then, but I did not want to bore you with all that baby talk (I decided to bore you on another blog instead: Motherhood ina Jar). He he
I thought I’d post a report from an ex-childless gal to my childless peeps. A “spy” report of sorts, from someone who’s on the other side of a line that you might cross one day.
One of the things I heard over and over again when I was pregnant was that when you have a baby your life revolves around that new little person. Somehow we all think we are exempt from this fact, and we say to ourselves that we will be different. You make promises to yourself: “I would never neglect my friends” or “I’ll just have my s/o take care of the baby while I go out with my friends” or “I’ll never be one of those people that lose all sight of their individuality when they have kids” or “I would never bring a baby out to a restaurant.” Anyways, the promises go on and on, but they are all based on one fundamentally flawed assumption: that you will *want to* hang onto your old life and somehow the baby will get in your way. Well, I got news for you: when the time comes, the last thing on your mind will be “when can you go back to normal?”
Normal has changed.
Truth is you won’t want to be different from all those annoying parents you know. You’ll WANT TO go home instead of sticking around town after work. You’ll WANT TO make no plans on weekends so you can get the house in order (cuz Heaven knows you had no time for that on weeknights). You’ll WANT TO say No to this and that birthday party. You’ll WANT TO talk about your baby nonstop, and you’ll suddenly lose all awareness that the topic bores others. It’s almost a complete chemical transformation within you. You’ve just acquired a new perspective, and all your preconceived notions go out the window.
So it’s not like this responsibility is suddenly put on you and you’ll want to fight it. It’s more like your home life was just made 500 times better and you want to be there and soak it all in! Not only that, but you want others to understand it! So you keep talking about it until someone gets it! (but they won’t, despite all your efforts).
Now, nothing in life should be snorted in its pure form. Ever heard of “everything in moderation”? At some point you do need to remember that you need a balanced life to function. So, despite my initial instincts, I did go back to work full-time, and I did make an effort to get together with friends again, and I feel great about the fact that I have it all, and it all flows in perfect harmony. That will be your real fight: not the one where you try to “break free” from the baby, but the one where you have to make a huge effort to willingly decide to leave him when you could be spending time with him instead.
So that’s my shout out from this side of the line.
I hope you all have an awesome day and even better weekend!